Let Us Talk of Sealing Wax and String...

This isn't my heretofore, usual happy-little-isn't-everything-fun type of post. Just thought I'd  forewarn you, in case you're not in the mood to listen to me indulge in some introspection. I totally understand - I'm not even sure I want to listen to me right now. I've started and deleted this post three times tonight though, and the following little hermitcrab analogy just keeps coming back to me, so I guess it's determined to make its way out into the world (actually, one of the times, it was a turtle, but since the hermitcrab's popped up more often, he wins the role: Tonight, the role of Tinker will be played by a hermitcrab.)

It's typical of my contradictory nature, now that de-lurking week is here, I suddenly want to climb back into my shell, hermitcrab-style, and go hide amongst the bi-valves in the tide pool...I'm feeling shy & my wording seems awkward when I try to leave a comment. Possibly because de-lurking comes while I'm embarking on the AW path, winding my way inward, trying to see what lies beneath - yet I'm not quite ready to reveal what I find to the world.

There are many skeletons hiding in our family closet and not all the tales are mine to tell. I tell you this not to elicit sympathy; there are many others with far worse childhoods than mine. But by way of explaining where I am coming from as I try to find my footing on this path. Trying to find my own voice; not just echoing back what I hear from the hikers above me.

I used to feel shy like this when I was a kid. My mom was a single mother back when they were a minority, and my grandma, my Nanny, was responsible for us while she was at work. She wasn't in the best of health (in fact, often we were more the caretakers of her, as her health deteriorated), but they tried to give my sister, cousin & myself as normal lives as they could. This was in the late 50's, early 60's before everyone elses' parents decided to divorce or their moms went to work full-time. We were something of an anomaly. Other kids would question why my mom worked all the time, where my dad was (that was a really awkward one); why my grandma was the one picking me up from scouts or bringing the cookies for the Valentine's party, etc. & why did she look so funny, what's wrong with her (among her myriad of health problems, she had congestive heart failure and phlebitis which made her arms, ankles & legs swell tremendously), and then I'd get defensive.

But before they'd see Nanny for the first time I would try my best to fit in. So maybe by the time they met her, they wouldn't make those comments, because they'd be friends. This strategy worked with some of the 'nice' girls (never the popular, cool ones, of course!). Thus, I learned the hermitcrab strategy of life; find a shell to cover me, lay low, don't make waves and only bring out the pincers when under attack. Don't reveal too much of yourself; they'll see the soft underbelly and go straight for it.

I've been home again, on antibiotics, feeling sluggish, drifting in and out of sleep. I dreamed I found a dresser drawer that I hadn't realized was there before (this was a new variation - I have recurring dreams about finding doors in the house that lead to other rooms, sometimes whole other houses!) Anyway, I went to pull out this previously unknown drawer to see if anything was in there and as soon as I pulled out the drawer, I realized the drawer had been inserted in the dresser upside down! And the jewelry box and scarves the drawer held, came tumbling out on the floor around my feet. I picked up the jewelry box; I recognized it as my grandmother's. Looking inside it though, I saw that the jewelry hadn't fallen out, because Nanny had woven threads back and forth, in and out through the pieces, holding them in place. I spread out one of the scarves on the dresser and worked some of the pieces out of the jewelry box, rearranging them on the scarf. I liked how the cameo brooch looked lying on top of a velvet choker with the topaz earrings dangling down on either side and the string of pearls winding throughout. My last thought in the dream was that Nanny probably wouldn't like it that I pulled her jewelry out of the box and laid them out like that. But I left them lying out there in the open anyway.

I'm not a psychologist, but I don't think I need to consult one to find the meaning of this dream. I think I may be on the verge of finding the treasure within, hidden with the family jewels and the skeletons in the closet. I've only just begun digging, though - who knows what else may be down there. At least I'm not quite as afraid as I was, that there wouldn't be a THERE there, when I started peeling the layers away. Something's in there, waiting for me to find it and bring it to light. I think. I hope.

Thanks for listening.

Comments

[Elizabeth]

wow-- what a powerful post-- sometimes the ones we don't want to write are the ones that have so many layers. I resonated with so much that you shared here!

[kat]

yes, a beautiful and powerful post! thank you for sharing it. i mentioned peeling away layers in my last post...i think it's a big theme with aw and a tough one. (((hugs))) for you!

[Jana]

From my own life, I've discovered that intertwined with the "skeletons" you will find many treasures... and underneath that, you'll find the best treasure: The real you, the one from before life put you into hiding.

[Snowbear]

bravo for bringing your darkness into the light.
take your sword and carry on.
:-)