Secret Identity

This week's Sunday Scribblings prompt is "Secret Identity."  The prompt was inspired by this post of Laini's. When I was reading Laini's post, the other day, it got me thinking back to some ideas that started in my childhood, about people and their secret identities...

When I was a little girl, I would sometimes have a nightmare about my mother - lest you get the wrong idea - my mom was actually a very loving mother despite that whole 'trying to make me mind' thing - but this was about someone who looked just like my mother - but wasn't...It was one of my scariest nightmares; in its own way, it was even scarier an idea than the nightmares I had, where Frankenstein or the Mummy lived in our attic. Obviously I watched too many episodes of the Twilight Zone and Outer Limits - however, too-much TV watching, also saved me - because I resolved the scary feelings of these nightmares by deciding, yes - it really WAS my mom - but the reason why she wasn't acknowledging me in the dream, as my own loving mom, who almost always paid attention to all my silly antics, was because she was in her SECRET IDENTITY as an undercover agent, and was trying to not blow her cover. This is how, ironically enough the dilemma posed by my watching too many scary and weird TV shows - was solved by my love of watching too many other TV shows - I loved to watch Get Smart; Secret Agent Man; Mission Impossible; and, and - and...why the heck can't I think of the name of that TV show with the two travelling tennis players who were actually undercover agents? The one with Bill Cosby...Anybody know? Anyway, I came to my own resolution of the dilemma posed by that nightmare, by deciding my mother had a Secret Identity and I should just play along in the dream...

I don't think this is all that uncommon a dream theme - or is it? Maybe my family's just over-imaginative - but I know much later on, I eventually grew up enough to have my own kids, and then they had similar nightmares. Sort of like a scary rite of passage - I think it has to do with realizing, hey, guess what? Your mom is your mom - but just imagine - she may also be her own person - she may actually, also have a life outside of you.

I saw this look come over my daughter's face, when she was much younger, a look that told me she was having those kinds of ideas. Years ago, I was out shopping with a friend and both our daughters, who were friends as well. My friend and I  were looking at some rollerblades - this was back when they'd just come out, and after all those years of chunky, old-fashioned roller skates, we were as fascinated by the maneuvering possibilities of rollerblades, as the kids were, and my friend decided to buy a pair - but you could see by the look on their faces - our two young girls were Appalled - with a capital A. They had that look of sick-horror that only pre-adolescents can really fully convey: the one where their eyes bug out and their mouths hang open, in a sort of half-sneer. Quite obviously, they were completely repulsed, that any "grown-ups" - but especially their Moms - would even consider the very idea - of even looking at,  let alone actually using, such cool, and thus, obviously non-adult items. Those were for KIDS, for crying out loud - how old did we think we were? Not that they really, truly believed we'd actually ever BEEN kids - at least, not the kind of kids that DID things, fun things - we'd probably been the kind of kids that just sat quietly, you know - with our hands folded, reading the classics, while trying not to scuff our perfectly polished mary-janes - assuming we had indeed, ever really been kids - because who can fully realize that your Mom was a real kid, despite whatever tall tales they tell you, about their "childhood."  Of course, can you blame them? Especially after the ones where we walked 5 miles in the snow...in Southern California. OK - so it was just a really slushy rain from hailing, and it was only a mile, but it felt like 5, cause it was uphill...

But even when you tell 'em the really fun stuff - about climbing trees, playing tag - they can't really picture it. We're Moms - what do we know about having fun - doing kid things?

When her daughter asked when and where she would ever use rollerblades, my friend looked at her, and laughingly said, "While I'm doing housework - I'll skate around with the mop in my hands. You're gone at school all day - you have no idea what kinds of things I might do all day while you're gone!" 

From the thoughtful look on their faces after that - you could see, they suddenly had that realization - a sort of Soylent Green moment: Moms - Moms are people! People - who may actually do other things than lovingly polish the glass frames on their school picture when the kids aren't around - imagine that! Who knew?  And we just might do anything, when kids weren't around to see it!

Of course, that still didn't make us cool - at least not to our own kids - maybe to other kids, but not our own. Well, maybe not even other kids, 'cause really, I've never been all that cool, anyway. I'm just saying, revealing your Secret Identity to your kids, does not necessarily make you seem any cooler to them - because, well, you're still just Mom, and ewww!! You're just not all that cool. Well, maybe, actually YOU are - but I'm not, lol. Even when I'd like to think I am. Maybe even less so, then...

It's not just mom's though - kids can be shocked to find out other people have lives, too. I still remember being shocked the first time I saw one of my teachers at the grocery store - buying canned goods and toilet paper - just like a real person...in those more innocent days when we were all more socially repressed and conservative, and ladies always went off to powder their nose, rather than take care of biological needs. I was sort of amazed to find out that Mrs. Russell even used the bathroom. Maybe she was just buying the tp for her kids....

But even as adults, I think there's still some fascination with seeing people outside of the realm we're used to seeing them in - that's probably part of what sells tabloids and magazines - because we're all just sort of fascinated, yet still almost disbelieving that celebrities, can have cellulite, and bad hair days, and sometimes wear skirts that aren't very flattering...They might run outside to get the paper in their bare feet - or to the store with their hair in a ponytail. They keep an ugly vase that their Aunt gave them on their mantle, so they don't hurt her feelings, too. Their kids aren't always perfect angels, either... News flash - they have lives - just like real people!

That sort of fascinated, disbelief in other people's lives, extends into everyday though, too -  like running into a co-worker who's always grumpy, when they're out with their family at an amusement park - and you almost don't recognize them, because they are actually smiling - even laughing...or driving past your boss on the weekend, out running in shorts and a t-shirt - just like a real person! Was that really him?  It can almost be a shock. On one level, I know people do actually have lives - but on the other, getting a peek at those lives, can be a little bit like seeing Zorro rip off his mask, to reveal he's just the guy across the street who mows his lawn without his t-shirt on, revealing his lily-white beer belly.

I wonder sometimes, too, about my own Secret Identity - I think maybe we all have one, maybe even more than one - whether we realize it or not...There are masks that we knowingly or unknowingly wear in our daily lives. Sometimes the shadows they cast, hide other parts of the real us...

I think maybe that's at least a little bit of why blogging appeals to me - it gives me a chance to show other sides of me, that maybe other people in everyday life don't get to see. But then, there's the flip side, too - I'm sure there are sides of me, that from just reading my blog, you will probably never see, either. My secret identities, hee hee. I'm probably both more of some things, and less of different things, than you might think from what you see here - blogs are wonderful, but they can only show and tell so much, you know...

For instance - hmm, I better not - I'd reveal my secret identity to you, but then I'd have to whisk you away to my underground lair and lock you away, so you could never tell anyone else -

MmWHa-HA-Ha-ha!!!

;-) 

Comments

[Jana]

"a little bit like seeing Zorro rip off his mask, to reveal he's just the guy across the street who mows his lawn without his t-shirt on, revealing his lily-white beer belly."

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW You just ruined Zorro for me, forever. LOL

I remember seeing my 5th grade teacher working on geneology at the local library as I went to pick out books. It somehow just seemed WRONG to me. LOL

[Angela]

Wooooo I love that mask. I love all masks. I think because you can hide behind a mask and be whoever you want. Anyhoo, great post! :)
*HUGS*

[Tammy]

Wonderful perspective Tink but after reading many of your posts I feel I do know a lot about you. My blogging friends share more than my live friends. I also love reading between the lines. You are very real to me! XXOO

[Kamsin]

I remember going on a school vacation with teachers including the headmaster. I got a whole new perspective! He had seemed like this uptight rule bound man and all of a sudden he was a human being who was quite funny and there was a massvive snowball fight at one point! Anyway, fun post, as always!

[Alison Whittington]

The beginning of this post reminded me so much of the book "Coraline" by Neil Gaiman.

What an excellent post all together. Great food for thought.

[tinker]

Sorry about that, Jana!
Thanks, Kamsin and Angela.
Tammy - Thanks, Really this is me, but like everyone, there's more than just here, too - you know, I feel like I know you, too!
Alison - thanks - everyone keeps talking about Neil Gaiman's books and I still haven't read any that I know of - I need to rectify that!

[Pacian]

If only Soylent Green weren't so damn tasty...

A very compelling piece of writing here. The ability to understand that other people are people (or the lack of that ability) underpins so much of what goes right and wrong with human society.

[Lisa Oceandreamer]

It's all actually quite true, every word in fact. Although I don't have kids I just know I would have had the same experience. With nieces and nephews they actually thought certain things I did were cool - but then I'm not their mom. I think we all have a Secret Identity for the most part...or do I? I am such an open book. hmm, must take off my mask and ponder this one.
XOXO

[tammy vitale]

Great post! I LOVE secret selves - all of them (mine all mine). And masks. Truely do love masks. And this mask is scrumptous. And your thoughts and the way your wind it all together and it makes so much wonderful sense. Thanks!

[gemma]

Yes...and all those people with secret identities use the bathroom like real people too.....Such a funny post....Loved it as usual!
:-)

[Laini]

I vaguely remember that weird realization that parents are people. Seeing photos of my parents as kids was really weird -- imagining them before ME. How DARE they exist before??? As for the idea of your mom not really being your mom, have you read Coraline by Neil Gaiman? It's got some of that creepiness in it -- and it's currently being made into a stop-motion animated movie like Nightmare Before Christmas, which should be super cool! (Thanks for the link, too, Terri!!)

[lisa]

Oh how your posts make me happy. Every time I ever tried to be cool, I came off as even more of a nerd. I finally gave up. lol

[Caroline]

I love the way you solved your nightmare - realising that your mother had to play her role! Brilliant.

If you ever do any SoulCollage you'll have a chance to make some pictures of all those other secret identities - you know the ones you aren't telling us about.

Well written as usual Tinker!

[Sioux]

Can't remember the Bill Cosby show, but Robert Culp was the other guy in it. Oh, well.

I do remember kids who decided they were adopted and that worried them.

And as a teacher I always got a kick out of kids seeing me away from school and looking so perplexed...so though they didn't know I had to buy food, go to church, eat out, etc.

Great post, Tink!

[Alison Whittington]

Tinker, if I were starting out with Neil Gaiman's books, I would read Stardust and Neverwhere first. Oh, how I sometimes wish I could read them for the first time over again. I believe Stardust actually started its life as a graphic novel, but it's also in long prose form and that's what I read.

Those two are the more wondrous, magical, fairy-talish of his books. Good Omens, which he wrote with Terry Pratchett, is one of the funniest books I have ever read, but I wouldn't start with it. And his later novels are grittier. Still magical, but a grittier and sometimes more gruesome kind of magic.

[Paris Parfait]

Terri, I love, love, love this post! So clever, wise and funny. I especially love the idea of the mom saying that about skating around while doing housework and telling the kids they had no idea what she got up to while they were gone - and them starting to think about it. You should make this into a children's/adolescent story! xo

[Kara]

I loved every bit of this writing - though I'm a few days slow in reading it. I'm always so delighted by your cleverness and also the deep insight you share with us.
Yesterday, I revealed my blog to some in person friends - then I went to a meeting where those that had already read my blog - they seemed to extend more warmth and tenderness toward me. It was as if they'd seen me in a different way - so it's been especially fun to read this post this morning. Thanks for the stories!

[Marilyn]

Hello, sweet Tinker! I'm here to CATCH UP! (Sorry I've been so remiss...work has been wearing me out.) "I Spy!" :) This is such a great post! And it reminded me that as kids (I went to a tiny Catholic school for 1st through 8th grades) that we were CONVINCED that the nuns were bald under their veils. It was the 60's, when they were all still wearing full habits and the only parts of their bodies that were exposed were their faces. Hair was hard enough to imagine...but taking a bath?! Or using the bathroom?! Incomprehensible! (For that matter, did they even EAT?!) :)