Since I'm not quite ready to show you the latest artwork that I've been working on, here are some bookmarks I made, that were very late Christmas gifts to real life friends - after all, it's only the twenty-something-th day of Christmas, right? Though we did give them on the something-teenth of Christmas, which is close enough with the way things have been going around here. It's not Easter yet, is it?
I'm so far behind on birthday gifts to people, that I may end up giving last year's gifts this year...What's that saying about being so far behind in getting things done, that I may live forever now? Yep, I'm so far behind now, I must be working on immortality.
You know, before you get too much farther into this, you might as well get you a cup of coffee, tea or other beverage of choice. If this is anything like my usual pattern - where I don't write for days, then I write a book's worth to make up for it - this will probably be a small novella. Or you could just skip it. It's okay - I understand. Really! That's part of what I've been pondering myself. There's only so much time, yet so many things to spend it on...
Lately, I'm looking for more balance in my life myself. Actually, I've been looking for balance all my life, but it's been called more to my attention lately, than ever. I seem to always be either late or else too early, because I'm worried about being late. Somehow I seem to have the qualities of both the tortoise and the hare, all wrapped in one...either moving too slowly or running too fast to make up for lost time. So I've been taking a time out, trying to find a steadier pace...
This imbalance seemed to start early on, at birth - when I was born at home because no one expected me to arrive just then. I probably woke up that night, wondered if I missed the due date, and decided I better just jump out right then and there - just to be on the safe side. Only to find I was six weeks early...
I was born on the tail end of the baby boom cycle, with an older sister who was smack dab in the middle of the baby boom. I felt more identification with those who were full-fledged baby boomers, but I was born too late to start school with everyone else my age. It might be not be apparent from the long-winded posts around here, but I'm actually pretty quiet in real life. I've always had a few close friends, but never seemed to quite fit in with 'the crowd' of whatever grade I was in...
I was the one who was the tallest (and earliest-blooming) girl all through elementary school. Of course, that would change when I reached junior high, and everyone else kept growing, while I had reached my full height by sixth grade - but that's another short story...
It feels like I've been running a race against time all my life. Born too early to make it to the hospital in time. Tried to walk before I could crawl - and consequently splitting my nose open on the cabinet door. Grew up too soon in too many ways - married the first time too young - to a younger guy, no less. Parenting before either one of us knew what we wanted to do with our own lives. By the time I'd discovered who I was and what I wanted in life, I was a single mom, who scrambled for the time and money for all that I wanted to be and do. Though I did eventually find new love (about 18 years ago now - though married for only 14 of those). This time with an older guy, one who was born on the other end of the baby boom. Thankfully, somehow we seem to always meet in the middle ground in between the two of us, though there still never seems to be enough time to do all the things we want to do - but we're trying to make more time now for those things that are most important to each of us...
I have no idea now where I was going with this thread of thought, except that I'm now standing in these last few days of being forty-something. The big five-oh is rapidly approaching, and it will get here this Tuesday, whether I'm ready or not. That day is also our anniversary - but since K. can't take off that day, we'll try to do something to celebrate before then.
So I can't woolgather too much longer here (aren't you glad!) since he's waiting patiently for me, for the weekend to begin - um, sometime this weekend. But I wanted to check in with you.
Though I've been working on creating little pieces of my own collage material each day for some bigger pictures, what I've mostly been doing is looking inward. Taking stock. Looking back at where I've been, and looking now at a map of my life - like the kind at the mall, the ones that are marked with a big 'X' that says 'You are here,' so I can figure out where exactly it is that I want to go here, this place where I am now. Looking back over the first half century and seeing old patterns in the sandtrack of time, of me running through the rat race, or sometimes just running on the little hamster wheel in my mind. I just hope I get another half century to get things right in this next part of life, so I can go everywhere and do everything that I want to do...it may sound overly angsty and introspective, but really, I'm feeling pretty okay with it all - I'm just feeling the need to take an internal inventory, and assess what's in order next...
While not jumping off into a sprint start with another one of my hare-brained ideas, so I have the energy to reach the places I want to go, do the things I want to do. I think I need to let my inner tortoise take over my biological clock and let her run the race for awhile - even if sometimes it is at a creeping pace. If you've ever seen some of our freeways out here in southern California, you'd know - faster isn't always better - and if it's rush hour, it still may not even be faster...you might as well relax and take the scenic route.
It's not as though I won't finish - we all do cross that big finishline, eventually some day. I'll get there in the end, one way or another. Though there's the urge to try to make as many milestones as possible, I think right now while I'm still planning my itinerary, I'd really rather take the scenic route, anyway.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading. You'll be relieved to know, that if I'm true to past patterns again, I usually follow really lengthy, angsty posts, with very quick ones - so the next one should be a lot shorter - new and improved - with 50% less angst!
;-)
Have a good weekend everyone~
Added: Someone just sent me an e-mail that I've dropped off of bloglines - have no idea what's going on with that! Hope that once I take off the password protection that will be resolved...
I enjoy long posts like this - ones that give you a chance to follow where thoughts come from. I totally understand that need to pause and review at this turning-point in your life. Reflect and see where you are and how you got there - it's been quite a journey, and you need to acknowledge what it's taken to make it. I hope the birthday will be a special one - and that the celebrations will extend far beyond a single day. ... Because we're worth it!
Posted by: Imelda / GreenishLady | January 18, 2008 at 05:59 PM
This was an interesting post. Turning 50 is not a bad thing! I've gone way past that mile marker!! It's good to take stock of what's been happening in your life and to look forward to what you want to accomplish next. I hope that somewhere along the line you decide to write a children's book....or any other kind of book! You are so talented. But mostly you should just do whatever makes you happy. Enjoy your birthday and your anniversary whenever you celebrate them.
Posted by: Janet | January 18, 2008 at 08:34 PM
First Tinker, would like to say hi, and those bookmarks look great! Love the one of Lucy. It sounds like you are preparing for some good changes in your life. I feel a introspective session coming on myself. Nothing can manifest without first thinking about what you desire.
Happy Weekend,
xox
Constance
Hope your blog prob gets fixed. I'm not having any problem with your blog.
Posted by: rochambeau | January 19, 2008 at 08:51 AM
You are so hilarious, Terri! Always either late or too early...at least you show up! Those bookmarks are adorable. Hope your 50th b-day celebration is something special, as befitting the very special woman that you are! xoxox
Posted by: Paris Parfait | January 19, 2008 at 10:52 AM
Oh lots of synchronicities with my life in there and some big differences too - happy birthday on Tuesday!!!
Posted by: Caroline | January 19, 2008 at 12:03 PM
Wow Tinker, you're actually over half a decade younger than my mother. If that's any consolation.
Which it may not be. Since I'm no spring chicken myself anymore...
Posted by: Pacian | January 19, 2008 at 01:33 PM
Um, 50? I was there once. I think! I sorta remember it...way back there in the hazy past somewhere. I can remember 40 better tho. It was more fun! LOL But it aint all that bad, girl. You'll like it! I like your bookmarks! I don't like your freeways. I left the LA airport once and got on the freeway and, um, OMG!!!! Those people are nuts! Their shadow was riding alongside me when they were 10 miles ahead! Geesh.....
Posted by: artzyjudie | January 19, 2008 at 03:27 PM
well, take it from a gal who is only just 50.. it is wonderful.. I cannot put my finger on it, but there is a difference for sure..
oh & your goddess birthday giftie is winging its way to you right this very, very moment!
Posted by: miss*R | January 20, 2008 at 05:46 PM
Tinker I liked this post. I'm approaching 40 this year. I have siblings that are 12, 16, and 21 years older than me. I'm not in the baby boomer group but all my siblings are. And somehow I can relate to your post- especially not quite fitting in with crowd. Most of my friends are are in the baby boomer group. I really like your writing and the things you share. I have a feeling that your next decade is going to be really powerful and magical for you. Happy Birthday on Tuesday!
Posted by: Kara | January 20, 2008 at 07:09 PM
glad that i have re-connected...i would forget the password every time...soooo...i understand your wistfulness as you close another decade and embark on yet another one...btw they just keep getting better...i feel the power builing in your psots...just as long as it'snot hot flashes LOL...blessings today, rebecca
Posted by: Cre8Tiva | January 21, 2008 at 07:09 AM
Oh Tink! A great post...sometimes we have to get it all out! I like to hear life stories. I am always late on gift sending! Geesh! And girl...I passed 50 a bit ago. heh heh.... had a great celebration that year. You will too.You will win that race you've been running. Your bookmarks are so cool! Thanks for raining all that $$$$$ on me!
Posted by: Pam Aries | January 21, 2008 at 03:19 PM
Oh Tinker - you are such a great writer. I think you should put all your posts into a book and sell it. It would sell, you know!
So you ARE having a bday!!! HAAAAAAPPPPPY BDAAAAAY!!!!!
I spent all of my 50s trying to figure out what that meant and so have decided that as I hit my 60s I will just be and not wonder what that means (which is where "Body Politics" comes from).
I have to tell you that I share many many pieces of your experiences, most of all that time thing. I have been fighting with time my whole life - another thing I have released, I think. Ain't life grand?!! Thank you fo being so wonderful and sharing so much. =]
Posted by: tammy vitale | January 21, 2008 at 03:31 PM
Your writing is so amazing i actually get stumped for a comment. Introspection is good....sometimes we need to stop....get some clarity of our direction...then move forward with a better purpose.
50 is merely a number!
I like the idea of the inner tortoise taking over for awhile!
Sending lots of love and hugs and speaking of sending........I am LATE LATE LATE always for sending birthday anything. Just so you know ahead of time!
XOXOXOXO
Lisa
Posted by: Lisa M.S. Oceandreamer | January 21, 2008 at 03:47 PM
Happy birthday dear Tinker.... happy birthday to yooooooooou! xoxo
Posted by: miss*R | January 21, 2008 at 10:09 PM
Happy, happy birthday my dear friend! Hope you have a wonderful celebration, marking the beginning of a fantastic year! xoxox
Posted by: Paris Parfait | January 22, 2008 at 12:43 PM
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR TINKER.. I hope it's a day that completely celebrates the wonderful person that you are!!!!!
Lots of love and hugs and ooey gooey chocolate cake!
Lisa
XOXOXOXO
Posted by: Lisa M.S. Oceandreamer | January 22, 2008 at 02:35 PM
Happy bday!
I love making myself bookmarks. They are something that I love 'finding' in the things I am reading, like little treasures.
Posted by: violetismycolor | January 24, 2008 at 08:57 PM
Stopping back by to wave!!
Posted by: rochambeau | January 25, 2008 at 05:39 PM
PSS
Welcome to the 50 club. I'm kinda bad for not realizing!! If you need lessons, you can come to me! Remember.... we are sisters in knowing how to be a Bearded Lady, ya know?
Ok must MUST SEW!!!
Posted by: rochambeau | January 25, 2008 at 05:42 PM
I find myself revisiting some of the guests of the polar fest (you know, the ones that made an eyebrow rise or grin grow larger) & I am so happy to have come back here. I adore the book marks that you made & am tickled by the title of the book, but mostly, I'm happy to know a little bit more about you.
Happy belated birthday. :) ~M~
Posted by: 3rd Eye Muse | February 11, 2008 at 11:34 AM